Trials and Growth

I haven't written anything on my blog for a while. I was starting to stress a bit because I didn't even have any ideas of what to write. I had had ideas in mind previously, but I forgot what they were. I finally decided that I wouldn't stress about it and the right topic would come to me at the right time. Well... the topic came to me. And it's a doozy. Buckle up. The ride is rough.

To start I have to share a bit of the back story. My oldest child is 19. She was three and a half and her brother was two when I told their dad that I wanted a divorce. My children don't remember us being together.

What they do remember is all the stuff their dad has said about me over the years - sometimes overtly, but often in a more underhanded matter. That has played a huge role in how they feel about me, their step-dad, and their younger sisters.

After my dysfunctional upbringing, I felt like I was doing pretty well in not re-creating a lot of the dysfunction in my own family. But I've struggled with some things. One of those is a lack of knowledge of how to have a good relationship with teenagers. Especially teenagers who tell me on a regular basis how much they hate me and who lie and keep things from me with their dad's blessing and encouragement.

(Side note: If I had E-V-E-R told my mom that I hated her, I would've been knocked into next week. That's not how I parent.)

I've struggled knowing how much freedom to give and when. My husband and I have had many discussions about what time to set curfew. I'm usually the one voting for them to stay out later.

In December 2014, two days before Christmas I got a text message from my daughter who was across the country at her dad's house for Christmas. She said that she couldn't talk then, but that she was probably moving out in January. This was a complete surprise. At this point she was 18, but still in her senior year of high school.

We had been having problems with her staying out after curfew repeatedly, and in November we had taken her cell phone away because she was being totally hateful and disobedient and was on her phone with her dad when she had been told to go to bed because she was behaving abominably towards her family.

We told her when we first gave her a cell phone that we could read her text messages any time we wanted. I did fairly often when she was younger, but as she got older it happened less frequently. Every three to six months, maybe? Not often.

That night in November that her phone was taken away my husband started reading text messages and he told me that I needed to look at them. There were several that she had saved from different conversations over a couple months' time that were between her and her "not boyfriend" that were highly inappropriate in nature. Her phone was not returned until just before Christmas.

A couple days after Christmas I had my four younger girls at a store trying on clothes. She started texting me about a smart phone that she had received for Christmas and whether she could have it in my house. (The rule is no smart phones for kids.) I kept repeating the rule, which made her angry. I finally told her that I couldn't text right then because I was busy. So she responded that she was moving in with a girl she barely knew and her family on January 2. My daughter and son weren't even coming home until the night of December 31, so that didn't leave us much time to discuss things.

On January 1, my husband and I tried to talk to her and figure out what was going on with her. Why was she leaving our family so suddenly to move in with people she barely knew, and we'd never met? She hardly said anything.

That night her sisters kept asking her over and over if she was moving out the next day because they had heard it discussed and I finally had to tell her to answer her sister when she asked for the fourth time. Her sister cried herself to sleep that night.

The next day 30 minutes before the girl she was moving in with and her mom were scheduled to arrive to pick up my daughter and her things, I was talking with my daughter about something she wanted to take. (Face oil, I think?) My kids said that her friends were here. We started to head to the stairs and her new friend came running down the stairs, grabbed my daughter's arm and said, "Come on!", and they ran upstairs to my daughter's room. I went upstairs and saw a woman standing in my living room along with my daughter's "not boyfriend" and her new friend's boyfriend. The woman was trying to be cordial, but all I saw was a woman who was taking my daughter away from my home and enabling my daughter to make a really bad decision. I talked to her for a few minutes and she said that she was giving my daughter a safe place to be. I said that my daughter had a safe place. The woman decided to wait outside. (A good decision.)

I can think of two things that my daughter asked to bring with her that I said no to. The violin that we spent hundreds of dollars on, and I wasn't sure what kind of situation my daughter was heading into, how long she would be there, and if it would be safe and taken care of, and the comforter that matches the sheets that were on her bed. I said no because if you go stay at someone's house, it's expected that they will provide bedding for you and I didn't want the linen set broken up. Other than that, my daughter left A LOT of stuff that I expected her to take. I asked her why she wasn't taking it and what she wanted me to do with it all. She said to give it to D.I. (A local store like Goodwill.) I've since boxed it all up and have it in a closet, which she is aware of. I put two of her sisters in the bedroom that she had to herself.

Since that time (over a year now) my daughter has done everything in her power to portray me in a bad light to anyone who will listen. She has lied about me over and over again; to the family that took her to live with them, to my in-laws who have refused to stay out of the situation, to my best friend who KNOWS the truth and wouldn't let her get away with it, on Facebook, her friend wrote the lie-filled version on her blog, and my daughter recently started a blog where she's told those lies plus new ones.

Sorry for the length of the story. Now to the present.

Last night my daughter "happened" to tell her brother while sitting across from me that the internet page she was showing him on her phone was her stats. He asked for what and she said her blog. My daughter has wanted to be an author for years, so of course I wanted to see what she was writing. She finally told me the website address for her blog and I looked it up.

Last night after she went back to where she lives I sat down to read. I don't know why I was surprised to find lies, again. I also saw a comment from the mother of one of her friends, someone that I've considered a friend. I texted the woman and said that unfortunately there were some "inaccuracies" in my daughter's story, and for her to not believe everything she reads, and to let me know if she had any questions. I haven't heard back from her.

If I bring up the subject of the lies with my daughter, she gets mad at me and leaves. This hurts her sisters and brother who really miss her. Then she punished us all by not coming over for a while. I've asked her repeatedly to go to counseling with me, but she says that she's not comfortable with that. (She's not willing to own up to the lies.) It's left me feeling like she can say whatever she wants about me (and people believe her) but I have no way to correct the story. She and the people she lives with can slander my name as much as they want, but I have no recourse.

But I DO have recourse. As I was praying and begging God for help and to know what to do, I realized something. First, I could ask Him to take all the pain, hurt, and anger about the situation away from me so I didn't have to feel that anymore. I don't want to feel the hurt. Guess what? God immediately took that away from me! But then I started thinking about the situation some more and the hurt started to come back. I gave it to God again and realized that I need to be in control of my thinking. It's my choice whether I dwell on this situation or not.

I also asked God to deal with my daughter. I know that He will do so fairly and in a manner that is in my daughter's best interests, in a way that provides the growth and learning that she needs for her path. I hope that path doesn't have to be painful and thorny, but with her actions of the last year or so, I am saddened to think that it may be. Ultimately, that's between her and God.

Carol Tuttle wrote something profound in her book Remembering Wholeness that comes to mind: "If you seem to be living a life like Bill Murray, in the movie 'Groundhog Day', who kept waking up to the exact same experience day after day, and you seem to be recreating the same problems repeatedly in your life, then you are meant to clear that weakness and make it a strength.

"... There is a divine purpose in your selected weaknesses. Your spirit knows the potential you have to create a contrast. Whatever challenges you are currently facing, know that literally in your biology, in your DNA, there is a blueprint of the solution with all the thoughts and feelings that will guide you to success. Know that at whatever level you have come to know pain, you can know the contrast of joy at that level. If you have known great pain and spiritual turmoil, you can know great joy and spiritual happiness."

So I guess the problem that I keep recreating is allowing others' actions to affect my well-being. As my word for the year is "transformation", I've decided it's time to change my reaction to my daughter and others who would hurt me. To give the hurt to God, and bask in the peace that He provides. As I've said previously, live in the light. I invite everyone to join me.

<3,
Brooke

Victim Energy

I've been thinking about this post for weeks. This knowledge was given to me one morning several weeks ago and I wrote it down because it was so profound to me and I knew that I'd be sharing it with others. I knew that it was part of my journey and something I had to know. I'm feeling like now is the time to share.

So here goes...

There's no such thing as victim energy in heaven. Victim status and energy is a lie that Satan made up and has been telling since Adam and Eve! I see victim energy as a gray energy that can be resistant to being released if the person has been at that energetic level for a long time. But the light of Christ (Sonlight!) can dispel anything. The light of Christ is LOVE! By allowing the love of Christ into our life, it gets us out of victim energy.

The trick for a new student of this knowledge is learning how to stay in that Sonlight, that LOVE. And we want to stay in the Sonlight, or LOVE!

First of all, it feels better.

Second, from an energetic standpoint, victim energy resonates very low. When we allow ourselves to be pulled or knocked down into that low place, it literally takes us away from the extremely high vibration of God and the Son.

That obviously makes Satan happy - his lies are working to pull us away from our Heavenly Father. That means that it is taking us longer to fulfill the mission that we were sent here to do. He's slowing us down. And maybe if he does it often enough, we'll decide it just isn't worth it to keep fighting him. Maybe we'll get tired and give up. That's his hope. Discouragement is one of the Devil's greatest tools.

While we were sent here to be tested and see who we would follow, we were NOT sent here to fail! If we get knocked down, it's always our choice to get back up again! We can do whatever it takes to get ourselves back on track - including having energy work done if that feels right for us - to get us back to a higher vibration and closer to God.

Live in the light, y'all! Surround yourself with Christ's LOVE. It's better here!

<3,
Brooke

Opposition

I wonder what kind of opposition a butterfly feels while they're transforming in their chrysalis. I can only imagine the discouragement and fear that they did something wrong and they're never going to get out of that tight, uncomfortable place. But who knows? Maybe I'm giving that butterfly too much credit. Haha. :)

I've been thinking of opposition this morning. I just did a scary thing and told everyone more about my life than most people ever knew. And I've put that out there with the intention of sharing how I've changed, and am still changing. But what if I really haven't changed and I'm going to be stuck in that tight, uncomfortable place forever?

I'm feeling all awesome and "I can do this! This is my path and what I'm MADE to do!"

And then I get sick.

I've just spent a couple days in bed. I didn't even think about my blog. It took like 24 hours of feeling miserable before I even thought to balance my energy, or use essential oils, or drink some clay water.

Once those first, "Uh, oh. I don't feel well..." feelings first set in, it was so easy to follow the familiar path. Now I'm going, "What just happened?!" It was too easy to fall into that old pattern. It's time to take back my power and not get caught in the snare of the opposition.

Because I CAN do this! This IS my path and what I'm made to do! You know how I know? Because I've written down several quotes in the last few weeks that all point in the direction I'm going. And those quotes wouldn't exist if others before me hadn't already taken this path and conquered.

Here are a few of the quotes I found:

"Strive for progress not perfection."

~Unknown

"Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize

that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge."

~Eckhart Tolle

"To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne,

even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne."

~Revelation 3:21

That last one is the most encouraging to me. If Christ said it, it's true and we can count on it. He wouldn't have said it if it wasn't possible! So, let's do this! We CAN do this! We can get past the opposition and do what we were made to do!

What positive changes are you making in your life so you can do what you were made to do?

<3,
Brooke

My Transformation

I was born into a dysfunctional situation. If you know me at all, that comes as no surprise. But very few people know exactly how bad things were. I don't have many memories of my childhood, and the ones I have are often not very positive.

I don't remember ever having much self-esteem. I was never as good as others. I'm not sure if that's because I knew my family didn't quite function the way other families did, or because I was always the new kid at school, or maybe it was something else I'm not even aware of. But I just never felt as good as others. I never felt worthy. I was bullied a lot - from grades 7-9, especially. But it continued throughout high school.

And then things at home... ugh! Let's just say that there was a fair amount of physical abuse, and we'll leave it at that for now. I got my first job at 16, and I spent as much time working as possible to keep me out of the house. I know some people would love to repeat their high school years, but there is no amount of money you could pay me to go back and re-live those years. I got out as quickly as possible by getting married and moving halfway across the country.

Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire! Things were never good in that marriage, but I knew that people were saying that it was never going to work, and I desperately wanted to prove them wrong! So I stuck it out for five years. That basically destroyed what little sense of self I had left.

After growing up never feeling a father's love (and there were three of them!) and then marrying a man who I now know is incapable of love and only married me because he thought he could mold me into what he wanted me to be, I was pretty disillusioned. I was seeing a (male) therapist during the divorce who summed up my feelings on men in two words: "Men suck!" That was a very accurate statement.

I remember once saying that I wasn't getting married again until I was 30. I wanted to get myself straightened out before I got into another relationship. But after a couple years I found myself dating again and I re-married at 26. I brought two kids with me into the marriage.

After being raised as a Marine brat I did something I never imagined doing: I married a Marine! It's an entirely different thing being a military brat versus being a military spouse. As a kid I didn't like the constant moving. (I went to 14 schools from Kindergarten through 12th grade! In all fairness, only 10 of those can be blamed on the military, though. That brought me most of the way through 7th grade, when my parents divorced.) As an adult, I hated the fact that the military owned my husband. I felt like the mistress who got what the wife (the government) didn't take first. Oh yeah, and I still hated moving. Fortunately we only did it every three years.

Finally after almost 11 years of marriage my husband and I decided that he should take early retirement. After a lot of stressing about trying to find a new job, we realized that the correct path God wanted us to take was for my husband to return to school and get a Master's degree. We moved so he could attend the University of Utah.

In our 12 years of marriage, we've added to our family. We have four additional kids on earth and one angel baby, our son Hyrum, who we lost at 16 weeks gestation.

A family of 8 can get kind of crazy at times. But that's our life, and over time God is molding me. He's helping me heal from my past and learn a new way to be. He's brought so much healing and growth into my life. I know that He will continue to do so.

And that is the point of this blog, to share the things that God has done for me and taught me. I'm still learning and I have a feeling that there's still a lot more for me to learn. I hope to be able to gracefully make the changes I need to make. I also hope that by sharing the things I've learned and am still learning, that it will bless the lives of others.

My word for 2016 is "transformation". Like the huge transformation a caterpillar has to make to become a butterfly, I hope that my transformation results in something just as beautiful. I hope you'll join me on my journey and find the courage to make your own transformative journey if necessary.

<3,
Brooke

The Beginning

So... I've been feeling like I need to start a blog for months now. I feel like I need to share my journey. Not that I think my life is so interesting that everyone wants to know all about it, but that I need to share where I've come from and how I've been able to move into a better place. Maybe it will be the encouragement that someone else needs to be able to improve their own life as well. At least that's my hope.

Come with me on the journey. We can elevate each other to new heights!

<3,
Brooke