I haven't written anything on my blog for a while. I was starting to stress a bit because I didn't even have any ideas of what to write. I had had ideas in mind previously, but I forgot what they were. I finally decided that I wouldn't stress about it and the right topic would come to me at the right time. Well... the topic came to me. And it's a doozy. Buckle up. The ride is rough.
To start I have to share a bit of the back story. My oldest child is 19. She was three and a half and her brother was two when I told their dad that I wanted a divorce. My children don't remember us being together.
What they do remember is all the stuff their dad has said about me over the years - sometimes overtly, but often in a more underhanded matter. That has played a huge role in how they feel about me, their step-dad, and their younger sisters.
After my dysfunctional upbringing, I felt like I was doing pretty well in not re-creating a lot of the dysfunction in my own family. But I've struggled with some things. One of those is a lack of knowledge of how to have a good relationship with teenagers. Especially teenagers who tell me on a regular basis how much they hate me and who lie and keep things from me with their dad's blessing and encouragement.
(Side note: If I had E-V-E-R told my mom that I hated her, I would've been knocked into next week. That's not how I parent.)
I've struggled knowing how much freedom to give and when. My husband and I have had many discussions about what time to set curfew. I'm usually the one voting for them to stay out later.
In December 2014, two days before Christmas I got a text message from my daughter who was across the country at her dad's house for Christmas. She said that she couldn't talk then, but that she was probably moving out in January. This was a complete surprise. At this point she was 18, but still in her senior year of high school.
We had been having problems with her staying out after curfew repeatedly, and in November we had taken her cell phone away because she was being totally hateful and disobedient and was on her phone with her dad when she had been told to go to bed because she was behaving abominably towards her family.
We told her when we first gave her a cell phone that we could read her text messages any time we wanted. I did fairly often when she was younger, but as she got older it happened less frequently. Every three to six months, maybe? Not often.
That night in November that her phone was taken away my husband started reading text messages and he told me that I needed to look at them. There were several that she had saved from different conversations over a couple months' time that were between her and her "not boyfriend" that were highly inappropriate in nature. Her phone was not returned until just before Christmas.
A couple days after Christmas I had my four younger girls at a store trying on clothes. She started texting me about a smart phone that she had received for Christmas and whether she could have it in my house. (The rule is no smart phones for kids.) I kept repeating the rule, which made her angry. I finally told her that I couldn't text right then because I was busy. So she responded that she was moving in with a girl she barely knew and her family on January 2. My daughter and son weren't even coming home until the night of December 31, so that didn't leave us much time to discuss things.
On January 1, my husband and I tried to talk to her and figure out what was going on with her. Why was she leaving our family so suddenly to move in with people she barely knew, and we'd never met? She hardly said anything.
That night her sisters kept asking her over and over if she was moving out the next day because they had heard it discussed and I finally had to tell her to answer her sister when she asked for the fourth time. Her sister cried herself to sleep that night.
The next day 30 minutes before the girl she was moving in with and her mom were scheduled to arrive to pick up my daughter and her things, I was talking with my daughter about something she wanted to take. (Face oil, I think?) My kids said that her friends were here. We started to head to the stairs and her new friend came running down the stairs, grabbed my daughter's arm and said, "Come on!", and they ran upstairs to my daughter's room. I went upstairs and saw a woman standing in my living room along with my daughter's "not boyfriend" and her new friend's boyfriend. The woman was trying to be cordial, but all I saw was a woman who was taking my daughter away from my home and enabling my daughter to make a really bad decision. I talked to her for a few minutes and she said that she was giving my daughter a safe place to be. I said that my daughter had a safe place. The woman decided to wait outside. (A good decision.)
I can think of two things that my daughter asked to bring with her that I said no to. The violin that we spent hundreds of dollars on, and I wasn't sure what kind of situation my daughter was heading into, how long she would be there, and if it would be safe and taken care of, and the comforter that matches the sheets that were on her bed. I said no because if you go stay at someone's house, it's expected that they will provide bedding for you and I didn't want the linen set broken up. Other than that, my daughter left A LOT of stuff that I expected her to take. I asked her why she wasn't taking it and what she wanted me to do with it all. She said to give it to D.I. (A local store like Goodwill.) I've since boxed it all up and have it in a closet, which she is aware of. I put two of her sisters in the bedroom that she had to herself.
Since that time (over a year now) my daughter has done everything in her power to portray me in a bad light to anyone who will listen. She has lied about me over and over again; to the family that took her to live with them, to my in-laws who have refused to stay out of the situation, to my best friend who KNOWS the truth and wouldn't let her get away with it, on Facebook, her friend wrote the lie-filled version on her blog, and my daughter recently started a blog where she's told those lies plus new ones.
Sorry for the length of the story. Now to the present.
Last night my daughter "happened" to tell her brother while sitting across from me that the internet page she was showing him on her phone was her stats. He asked for what and she said her blog. My daughter has wanted to be an author for years, so of course I wanted to see what she was writing. She finally told me the website address for her blog and I looked it up.
Last night after she went back to where she lives I sat down to read. I don't know why I was surprised to find lies, again. I also saw a comment from the mother of one of her friends, someone that I've considered a friend. I texted the woman and said that unfortunately there were some "inaccuracies" in my daughter's story, and for her to not believe everything she reads, and to let me know if she had any questions. I haven't heard back from her.
If I bring up the subject of the lies with my daughter, she gets mad at me and leaves. This hurts her sisters and brother who really miss her. Then she punished us all by not coming over for a while. I've asked her repeatedly to go to counseling with me, but she says that she's not comfortable with that. (She's not willing to own up to the lies.) It's left me feeling like she can say whatever she wants about me (and people believe her) but I have no way to correct the story. She and the people she lives with can slander my name as much as they want, but I have no recourse.
But I DO have recourse. As I was praying and begging God for help and to know what to do, I realized something. First, I could ask Him to take all the pain, hurt, and anger about the situation away from me so I didn't have to feel that anymore. I don't want to feel the hurt. Guess what? God immediately took that away from me! But then I started thinking about the situation some more and the hurt started to come back. I gave it to God again and realized that I need to be in control of my thinking. It's my choice whether I dwell on this situation or not.
I also asked God to deal with my daughter. I know that He will do so fairly and in a manner that is in my daughter's best interests, in a way that provides the growth and learning that she needs for her path. I hope that path doesn't have to be painful and thorny, but with her actions of the last year or so, I am saddened to think that it may be. Ultimately, that's between her and God.
Carol Tuttle wrote something profound in her book Remembering Wholeness that comes to mind: "If you seem to be living a life like Bill Murray, in the movie 'Groundhog Day', who kept waking up to the exact same experience day after day, and you seem to be recreating the same problems repeatedly in your life, then you are meant to clear that weakness and make it a strength.
"... There is a divine purpose in your selected weaknesses. Your spirit knows the potential you have to create a contrast. Whatever challenges you are currently facing, know that literally in your biology, in your DNA, there is a blueprint of the solution with all the thoughts and feelings that will guide you to success. Know that at whatever level you have come to know pain, you can know the contrast of joy at that level. If you have known great pain and spiritual turmoil, you can know great joy and spiritual happiness."
So I guess the problem that I keep recreating is allowing others' actions to affect my well-being. As my word for the year is "transformation", I've decided it's time to change my reaction to my daughter and others who would hurt me. To give the hurt to God, and bask in the peace that He provides. As I've said previously, live in the light. I invite everyone to join me.
<3,
Brooke
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